Who are you in and out of a relationship?
answers on a postcard, please!
I got a question in my DMs the other day that really made me think. I was curious to know what people were thinking about love and relationships, what they were discussing with friends and this popped up:
“I’m in my first serious relationship, but for him, I’m the latest in a stream of long-term relationships and I feel really inexperienced for my age and I don’t know how to navigate it. My identity has been so tied to being single for so long, I’m like, who even am I in this now? How do I make this feel authentically me?”
I really appreciated how open and vulnerable this was, and I felt like it was such an important reminder to me of how different our experiences of love, dating and relationships are because when I first read this question I immediately related to the boyfriend in this scenario. Usually, I’m the person who is used to long stints of relationships.
I've always been that way inclined, never concerned about commitment. I think I had my first “boyfriend” when I was about 12, and from there my pre-teen to teenage relationships saw me through to college which was my longest bout of being single until now.
I moved to London and was in long-term relationships throughout my 20s and when those ended I wasn’t single for long. I then met my ex-husband at work, but when we separated and got divorced, I started a relationship with someone I knew back in my hometown so again…my time outside of a relationship, outside of a marriage even, was relatively brief.
Right now is the longest time I’ve been single since I was 18-years-old, which is kind of uncomfortable to admit. There’s so much stock placed in being an independent, happy, healed, single woman who doesn’t need anyone. Who loves herself and puts herself first always. There’s a certain kind of clout that comes with being a single woman in her 30s. A strength that I never felt was mine to claim because I’ve simultaneously wanted a partner.
I always loved who I am in relationships. I love who I am single.
I have always categorised myself as a “relationship person” not because I would prioritise being in a relationship over being alone, but it’s just been my pattern. I know when I’ve decided on someone that I’m not interested in anyone else.
But it’s taken me a very long time to get to the core of my own needs because I had been in relationships for the vast majority of my life. Understanding those needs and desires as well as vocalising them in dating and relationships is a constant learning. Even in friendships. And understanding that the only person who can prioritise those needs and desires is me.
In this time on my own I’ve really had the opportunity to reflect on Girlfriend Me vs Single Me and I can honestly say they’re the same person. I have had to learn when I feel comfortable and safe enough to show the vulnerable parts of me to other people, whether I’m in a relationship or not. It’s knowing that I’m capable of sitting with the uncomfortable parts of being single, as well as the uncomfortable parts of being in a relationship. And knowing how to self-soothe when I get anxiety about things that are totally out of my control (i.e., the other person).
But my take on this question, how you can maintain being your authentic self outside of your committed relationship is to embrace all the multifaceted sides of you and the roles you play in your day-to-day life outside of being a partner.
I show up differently to everyone, as a daughter, as a friend, as a niece, as a cousin, as a colleague…all of these are a reflection of who I’ll be in a relationship, but the only difference is that this isn’t a romantic one.
I know that I’ll fall short of being the perfect idea of a daughter, friend, niece, cousin and colleague. And one day, partner. And it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of those relationships, but it might. And all of it is okay.
Being open and honest with him about how this is all new and scary for you is the best way to start understanding one another. That way he can empathise with where you’re coming from and how you’re approaching this new relationship and likewise, you can get to grips with how he’s showing up with all of his past experiences. Both of you are bringing all of your baggage to each other regardless, so it’s best to be upfront about that verbally.
I don’t think that being perpetually in long-term relationships gives someone any more validity or clarity when it comes to how they decide to show up in their relationships. We learn so much about who we are as people in relation to others, so having an opportunity like this now to be committed means that you will take on a lot about each other.
It’s a curious dynamic being a single person among couples or people who are in long-term relationships. And I say this as someone who has been in both camps for quite some time, as someone who has found themselves trying to navigate a world of singleness that feels almost exclusive to dating apps.
It’s as though there is a wisdom that comes with being in a couple and “solutions to being single” (i.e., finding a partner) that is meant to be passed on to the single people in your life.
Meanwhile the single friends are there for entertainment value for couples who have long been out of the game, but enjoy all of the sordid details of their app dates and situationships along the way. I think both groups have a lot to learn from one another.
There’s a fear of losing our independence once we are partnered with that may come a change in our friendship dynamics and groups – not being invited out to certain get-togethers or not being spontaneous like you used to be when you’re in a committed relationship but I think that shift is normal.
And if there are other relationships you want to prioritise or friendships that need a particular kind of maintenance it’s important to be able to do that. It’s easy to get caught up in the early stages of a relationship and become wrapped up in the other person, we all do it. But being able to have those conversations with one another and take time outside of your bubble is only going to benefit you both in the end.
As with most things, approaching ourselves and others with kindness and compassion is the best way out of those difficult or anxiety-inducing moments. Most of us are trying to show up for one another in the best way that we can, and that includes ourselves.
One of the most difficult things we can do is just be. Show up who we are fully in relationships without a strategy. Tell each other the truth about how we feel in the moment for fear that this may be the last conversation we have. Settling down next to the worry that we don’t know what’s going to happen next and will never know.
Whether you’re single or you’re in a relationship, you’re still you. Allow yourself the freedom to show up in the messy ways of being human in your brand new relationship, in your long-term partnership, or as single person, with lots of room still to grow.
About me: I'm Nicole, the writer of A Crumb of Romance. I’m the co-author of The Half of It: Exploring the Mixed-Race Experience, a content creator and the co-host of the award-winning Mixed Up podcast. Having been chronically online since the age of 13, you can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Pinterest.