Getting grounded in you
centring ourselves and what we want in early dating
I had a lovely person message me on Instagram asking for my dating advice, which to be honest is surreal, given that I more often than not do the opposite of what I tell people to do, but here we are!
She kindly agreed for me to share her question for the newsletter so that I could share with more people but also allow more space to get my words out.
“I’ve been single for a long time and I’ve started seeing someone. We haven’t been going out for long but we seem to like each other and I’m worried about how I should act, the right things to say, etc. Also, because I’ve been single for so long I’ve become used to it and I have always found it very hard to trust people but I want to give the relationship a try.”
I can really relate to this. The fear can really kick in in early dating, especially when you feel like you’ve got something good that you want to hold on to. I think there are a few things to remember – the main one being, stay present as much as possible.
Enjoy this person that you’re dating, relish in their company! I can completely understand the nervousness and depending on your comfortability, I would encourage you to express that to the person you’re seeing. “I really like you and enjoy spending time with you, but sometimes I worry about saying the wrong thing.”
I think their reaction to this would tell you a lot. Are they reassuring? Do they feel like they’re in the same boat? I could imagine most people would feel just as self-conscious.
More often that not, we’re faced with the same fears and insecurities, especially in the early stages.
The second thing to remember is that how you feel when you’re with them is the most important thing. If you feel comfortable enough being your most authentic self, then we’re off to a great start. How do they make you feel? Do you like this person? Do you they make you happy? Do you feel safe? How do they make you feel when you’re not together in person?
These are the questions that are more important than worrying about if you’re making yourself look bad in front of someone you’re just starting out with.
I hear you on trust and I understand that you want to protect yourself, but part of dating is being vulnerable and opening yourself up to the potential of being hurt. These feelings are so normal. It’s normal to like someone and be hopeful and excited and not want those feelings to go away.
As I mentioned, stay focused on the now rather than try to predict too much of what will happen in the future.
Get grounded in you. Get clear on what you want and what you love about yourself that this person clearly sees in you, otherwise they wouldn’t want to keep dating you. Then as soon as you start to feel wobbly, you can come back to your centre.
Make this experience much more about you having the power to choose the right partner for you, rather than them deciding for you.
About me: I'm Nicole, the writer of A Crumb of Romance. I’m the co-author of The Half of It: Exploring the Mixed-Race Experience, a content creator and the co-host of the award-winning Mixed Up podcast. Having been chronically online since the age of 13, you can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Pinterest.