Verses of us
Siri, play me the soundtrack to my love life
There has never been a moment in my love life that hasn’t been significantly tied to music. I grew up during the age of the mix CD and the revival of the mix tape. My best friend in high school was a master of that art. Storytelling through the perfect selection of songs. It’s the lyrics, it’s the artist, it’s the singing…all of it feeds into exactly what it is you’re feeling at the time.
Aside from my best friend, I developed my appreciation for this craft from Rob Gordon of High Fidelity fame.
“The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you gotta take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch.”
Beginning, middle, end.
Like in High Fidelity, there is a beautiful canon of music and falling in love. YA novels like Rachel Cohn and David Levithan’s “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. Memoirs like Rob Sheffield’s Love is a Mixtape and Amy Key’s Arrangements in Blue.
A few weeks ago, Jeff Ingold wrote about the playlist he had started from years ago about every man he’s ever been with for the Guardian and I immediately thought, I want to do that.
I don’t have a playlist, but there are definitely songs that have been significant to me over the years, and I could absolutely apply multiple songs to different scenarios or the same songs to different men. But I like this as a jumping off point and hopefully I can revisit it again.
Redbone, “Come and Get Your Love”
Hey (hey) what's the matter with your head, yeah
Hey (hey) what's the matter with your mind and your sign and oh
Hey (hey) nothin' the matter with your head
Baby, find it, come on and find it
Bear with it, baby, 'cause you're fine
And you're mine, and you look so divine
Come and get your love
Funnily enough, the hardest song to pick was the one for the recessional. The one where we walk out of the room as a newly married couple.
First dance, easy. Processional, fine. But what would represent us in that moment?
Our first date was to see Guardians of the Galaxy. I knew absolutely nothing about this film, but watched the trailer and agreed to go.
I remember thinking how he must really need a friend, asking to go and watch a film on a Sunday afternoon, not realising that it was, in fact, a date I agreed to go on.
I never understood going to the movies on a first date because you can’t actually speak to one another. But it ended up being the best time with an incredible soundtrack to boot.
So we agreed that this song would be the one to step out into the world in, together.
Bob Dylan, “Sara”
Sara, Sara
Sweet virgin angel, sweet love of my life
Sara, Sara
Radiant jewel, mystical wife
I still listen to the mix CD (that has now evolved into a Spotify playlist) given to me by my childhood best friend. A love letter to our friendship (and to me), in true mixtape form it said everything he wanted to say to me about how he felt about us and simultaneously what he thought of himself.
He was intimidatingly knowledgeable about music, but also knew so much about the artists. As he often did, he would write me notes alongside the tracklist to explain his choices.
Bob Dylan wrote “Sara” as a tribute to his first wife, it is desperate and nostalgic of a relationship that had run its course.
A longing for what was, who they used to be, and a last ditch attempt at reconciliation. He wrote to me in my note that while recording the song, Sara walks into the studio, and you can hear the moment where Bob is pleading with her as he sings her name.
Let me know when you hear it, he asks.
Nothing But Thieves, “Lover, Please Stay”
Lover, I feel your sorrow pouring out of your skin
And I don't wanna be alone
If I am tonight, I'll always be
So take from me what you want, what you need
Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need
But lover, please stay with me
And after each rejection, each date that ended up going nowhere, I knew immediately I would go back to him. Loneliness is a powerful feeling, and it became increasingly difficult to sit in that. I wanted someone who wanted me. And he became a tough habit to break.
I have been making mini playlists of each month of the year as often as I can remember, and this song was the one that appeared in the month that we’d started seeing each other.
I tried to cut it off in the beginning, understanding that this quickly became just about sex and I hadn’t even realised. I had been looking for a relationship, so was pleasantly surprised when I matched with someone who was funny and handsome and shared the same politics (a tall order these days).
And so, I backslid. And backslid. And backslid again.
Knowing full well there was no home for me there.
There is no home for me anywhere.
The Beatles, “Honey Pie”
Honey pie, you are making me crazy
I'm in love but I'm lazy
So won't you please come home
I had such a severe Beatles phase when I was in high school, I’m not sure what spurred it on. In any case, I was deeply obsessed, they unlocked a thirst for knowledge in music and songwriting that has since never left me. I was a woman possessed, trying to accumulate every album, watch every film, read every book. Storing up Beatles knowledge to do what with exactly, I don’t know, but I needed the lore.
My high school boyfriend at the time very sweetly stole me their albums for my birthday.
At the time, I wasn’t best pleased to hear about the theft, but I was happy they were mine, all the same. He knew how much they meant to me. And their songs remind me of a particular innocence in love, namely first love.
As I get older, my specific memories get hazy. But the scenes of us, lying on the couch in my parents basement, driving around in his car, holding hands, being young and carefree and just sweet. I can’t remember a single argument, despite chronicling them in old journals. Trying my best to get to the bottom of our fights by writing them down. But also writing down the moments that I knew I loved him.
In any case, like teenagers do, we’d argue and make up. We broke up just before going to college. Almost a year after we broke up, we started to become friends again, and he told me this song would always remind him of me. It makes me smile every time I hear it.
About me: I'm Nicole, the writer of A Crumb of Romance. I’m the co-author of The Half of It: Exploring the Mixed-Race Experience, a content creator and the co-host of the award-winning Mixed Up podcast. Having been chronically online since the age of 13, you can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Pinterest.
Oh pal, I absolutely LOVED this