This ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ energy rhetoric is killing my people
Our obsession with gender roles in relationships is excruciating
It was the “Princess Treatment” video that went viral on TikTok that finally pushed me over the edge. In it, a woman talks about the dynamic of her marriage with her husband in which she receives what she considers to be the ultimate form of princess treatment – not having to think, or even say a word.
In the video, she shares her experience of going into a restaurant and not having to speak to the host or the waitstaff, she doesn’t open any doors, and doesn’t order her own food. The implication being she shouldn’t have to even think because everything is being taken care of for her. She’s since received so much backlash that she appears to have deleted her account.
In this same week, I’ve been told to “smile, it’s not that bad, is it?” by a man as I walked past in the street (seriously, I didn’t think that they even still said that one) and overheard a conversation behind me on the bus where a man was telling his friend not to spend money on a woman that he was dating because he needed to “test” her.
“These women are always using us for money, don’t let her walk all over you.”
I bristled at this extremely sexist and public conversation, just like I wanted to throw hands at this man who tried to tell me what to do.
I’m being bombarded with sexism and patriarchy dressed up as “new ideas” of “traditional gender roles”, as though this is just what we were born into instead of these completely manufactured ways of being.
The idea that women have to sit in their “feminine energy” in order to attract a “masculine” man – one who knows how to lead and provide. Is this not the very same patriarchy that we’re so desperately trying to release ourselves from?
To be in your feminine requires “surrendering” to the masculine. And that it’s a natural quality that women are in “service” or “submission” to a man who fully embodies his masculine energy. Men meanwhile, who fully embody their masculine energy are there to provide physical and financial security. Even when some of this content does feel relevant or that it could be true to me, the qualities and the characteristics are so bleakly gendered.
The people who peddle this kind of rhetoric only do it because it has the perfect volatile arena of social media to spread it around in. It’s such a polarising topic that gets served back at us time and time again as ideal algorithmic fodder and on reality TV shows, but it has since permeated real life dating. We’re so quick to label ourselves and one another with certain tropes and characteristics and it has made it all too easy to dismiss everyone.
The terms “high value man” and “high value woman” are also bandied about as badges of honour and markers of worth. We’ve come to speak about each other as goods and services rather than actual human beings who have never really been taught how to be good partners. All we have are our own personal experiences, and I can’t help but worry that none of this is helping release us from the shackles of gender roles that we have been working to escape.
Dating has so many of us fatigued. I hear it constantly from friends and from strangers at the dating events I’ve been hosting with BODA. You’ll even see it explicitly in dating app profiles the way people write about themselves and others so negatively. We’ve become so jaded and resentful of the dating pool that it now permeates into real life. And when you feel that tired it becomes so easy to latch on to rhetoric that validates you and gives you what you feel that you deserve.
The “masculine and feminine energy” rhetoric and the “high value man and woman” rhetoric is transactional. It becomes about what we stand to gain from one another. It becomes about who is worth my time, and what is the most efficient way to rule out people who may stand to waste it?
I’ve found myself susceptible to this way of thinking so many times. As a woman who dates men, and who, in dating them, has only become more anxious over time, I know that I get nervous when I can’t interpret a man’s interest in me right away.
It’s easy to think that planning dates and paying for them, holding doors open, and buying gifts and flowers are qualities of someone who is being intentional about looking for a long term partnership, but sometimes it isn’t! And that’s okay.
Social media has overly contributed to this new way of thinking about love and romance and what it looks like when someone is pursuing us, or what it looks like when someone likes us. We’ve misconstrued intention to mean grand gestures and displays of wealth, when 9 times out of 10, we’re all just feeling each other out. Most people are unsure and figuring things out as they go along, and it doesn’t make them “a red flag” or someone who is unreliable.
More than I would want to date someone who could afford a certain lifestyle, I want to be with someone who is happy within themselves. I want someone who is generous with their time, emotions and their vulnerability, who feels safe enough to share things with more than I want someone who can pay for things. Someone who is caring, who is excited about me as a person, whether or not I’m feminine or masculine, or all of the above.
I don’t want to be in a relationship where it feels like we owe each other things, and more importantly, I don’t want us to feel like we have very specific roles to fill.
The “value” I can attach to another person is certainly not monetary. Do I like how they make me feel every day? Do they bring me peace? Do they encourage me? Do they want me to show up entirely as myself? Am I happy with them showing up entirely as themselves?
We’re being taught how to get things from each other rather than what it actually feels like to be in relation to one another. And it really does depend on what it is you want from a partnership or a marriage, if that’s what you’re looking for. But all of these tangibles, money especially, are not guaranteed and are just as easily lost as they are gained.
About me: I'm Nicole, the writer of A Crumb of Romance. I’m the co-author of The Half of It: Exploring the Mixed-Race Experience, a content creator and the co-host of the award-winning Mixed Up podcast. Having been chronically online since the age of 13, you can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Pinterest.