How my 2025 dating plan is going so far 💘
Six months in and what have we learned?
After a very chaotic 2024, I decided to go into 2025 with a bit more intentionality. I go back and forth on whether I have been intentional in dating in the past. I like to think I am as someone who is looking for a relationship. But as someone who is open to love, sometimes that openness can allow for bullshit to seep in.
2024 left me feeling very jaded. I felt burnt out by the end of the year and I was really struggling with accepting whatever some guy had to offer me because I felt like there was nothing left. I have read every article, watched every TikTok, followed and unfollowed every dating coach and expert, gotten advice from my parents, my friends, strangers, on and on and on.
The advice out there is endless. And relentless. Lots of polarising messaging that is ultimately meant to leave people feeling frantic and desperate. I wanted to put the focus back on myself and what I wanted. Not everyone’s advice is going to align with me and what I believe, so there’s no use stressing out over it.
I mean, I can hardly call it that, it’s just a list to help me stay focused. Ultimately it’s just there as a reminder to come back to myself should I veer off course, so it’s not super prescriptive. But I thought I’d use this as an opportunity to check in with myself to see how it’s going so far.
Enjoy the process
The whole point of this one was to bring the fun back into dating. Dating app gamification, algorithmic bias, and conversations that go nowhere can feel like death by a thousand cuts. But going into the dates themselves with the intention of having a good time and being present, being curious, and just excited about meeting someone new.
I’d say so far so good! I’ve been on 10 dates so far this year, I started off on some highs and met a few lovely people that ultimately things didn’t go anywhere with. I’ve reached the point already where I’ve come off dating apps because usually during this time of the year I find them to be exhausting. But I’ve had fun so far and I’m happy!
I’ve started viewing dating apps, and just dating in general as one thing I do. It doesn’t have to look the same way every time, I can take breaks, I can delete the apps, I can go to dating events. Everything and anything is available to me, which is much more freeing.
A connection with someone could happen anywhere at any time. I’m still feeling hopeful, even though I’m not using dating apps at the minute.
Pre-date rules
Another single friend and I were talking about how difficult it can be to find the sweet spot between matching and texting endlessly before setting a date to meet vs meeting up too quickly before you get to know someone. We haven’t quite figured it out yet, but ideally I’m not talking for more than a week without making plans to meet in person.
Now, I won’t even exchange numbers until we’ve set a date. My phone has become a graveyard of WhatsApp conversations and I can’t bear that anymore. And at this point no one’s number even gets saved unless we’ve been out multiple times.
Too many messages can create a false sense of intimacy before we even know each other. And if we don’t even meet, I don’t want to feel a loss over something that was never even anything to begin with.
Open and kind communication
I like to think I’m good at communication, my fear and anxiety around being honest about my feelings can sometimes get the better of me.
Most of this is about being up-front about what it is that I’m looking for — or maybe I should say hopeful for. I’ve found that being honest about the fact that I’m ultimately looking for a relationship has been pretty helpful in cutting off what’s not for you right away.
Communicating what I’m looking for and communicating my boundaries in a open and kind way is something I’m always working on. I want to get to the point where it feels easier and freer.
Get angry
This one came up because my friend told me that this was one of her new year’s resolutions and I loved it. I really struggle with anger as an emotion, it’s something my therapist and I are really working on. I don’t like being angry with people, I’m not good at articulating when I am, I associate it with being “bad” and “out of control,” so I often push it down.
But dating can often make me angry! I am angry with men who treat me poorly, who don’t extend the same kindness and empathy that I give them, and in the past I just took the high road.
I think especially in dating and romantic relationships, women are expected to rise above the treatment they receive. We are martyrs in dating, and I know I have internalised a lot of that.
I can also get angry about feeling alone. It’s frustrating being the person having to do everything and take care of everything, sometimes I could use a little support. That frustration and disappointment can make me angry. And that’s fine to recognise.
Pouring into friendships and family
I’m really trying with this one. One of the difficult things about being single while the majority of your friends and family are coupled up is that it can be quite tiring and isolating having to do things for yourself all of the time. As someone who is self-employed, I’m constantly working and trying to earn money as well, which means rest and leisure time gets put low-down on the list.
In an ideal world, the time spent with friends and family is put first. I know my career isn’t going to be there for me when I’m on my deathbed, but it’s difficult to reframe that thinking.
I went to Geneva recently to visit my best friends from uni. I hadn’t visited them since they moved there 10 years ago, which I felt a lot of guilt and shame about. Life and work really ran away from me, so much so that I didn’t even realise all of this time had flown by.
I’m only going to continue to get older, and so will my family members. I want to see more of them, I want to spend quality time with them.
When you’re dating and wanting a relationship sometimes it’s hard to see past what you feel is missing in your life, and for me, it’s such a pleasure and privilege to have so many people in it who love me and who I love already.
Have no shame
I can really get tangled up in my own shame and embarrassment about vocalising what I want, or sharing my feelings. After having dated on and off over the past four years and using dating apps primarily to do so, I found myself starting to let my pride get the better of me. I felt my walls being built up, brick by disappointed brick.
I had periods of time where I was swiping and not messaging. I wouldn’t text someone after a nice date to say that I enjoyed meeting them and would like to see them again.
I’d crafted a particular narrative about “being too much” or “putting myself out there” that sat neatly alongside “if he wanted to, he would.” But if no one puts themselves into the arena then how are we ever going to find what we’re looking for?
I allowed my jaded feelings about dating apps and exhaustion around dating to take the driver's seat in my love life. Which only perpetuated the cycle of me feeling frustrated, bitter and lonely.
So I had to reframe. What would life look like if I went for exactly what I wanted in love? If I was fearless and shameless? I already do this in every other area of my life, so why not apply it to dating?
I’ve felt more at ease in myself and in dating this year. In the past I’ve felt a bit frantic, spending most of my evenings swiping in bed, or swiping on my commute, or sitting down for coffee with a friend. The in-between moments in my life where I could use stillness I replaced with opening up Bumble or Hinge. I feel that pressure less and less now. I used to think I was missing out by not being on them, but now I don’t even think about them.
And I’ve become more free with dashing out a block! I used to feel like that it was so harsh and final, but now I feel comfortable in my own discernment about people. Especially men who cross my boundaries multiple times.
Summer is my favourite and my most hopeful time of year. The weather has a pretty strong effect on my mood, and the long evenings are romantic in and of itself. I’m ready to go into the latter part of the year as open-hearted as I ever was.
About me: I'm Nicole, the writer of A Crumb of Romance. I’m the co-author of The Half of It: Exploring the Mixed-Race Experience, a content creator and the co-host of the award-winning Mixed Up podcast. Having been chronically online since the age of 13, you can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Pinterest.
This was such a lovely and interesting and openhearted read, thank you for sharing xxxx