May 2026 be the year we stop concerning ourselves with what men are doing
Let's stop overanalysing and diagnosing things to death
As always, we’re starting the new year with a completely clean slate. Dating apps are still deleted, I’ve been at my family home reflecting and trying to get organised. I’m preempting fear and anxiety to creep in at some point, but for now, I’m hopeful and excited.
I never expected 2025 to turn out the way it did. I didn’t expect to come even remotely close to what I’ve been looking for when it comes to a partner, but I did! Even if it didn’t turn out as I’d hoped, it existed, so I’m taking it as a positive sign.
A kind soul wished me more of the romance I’ve been looking for in 2026 in the DMs, so I’m claiming that. One can only hope for some absolute sweethearts to come into the fold, because if I get stood up for a third time I’m going to come out swinging.
The beauty of being in my 30s now means that it’s become so much easier to not concern myself too much with what other people are doing. That’s not to say it isn’t hard, with the advent of communication drop off and it becoming just a standard of human behaviour that has permeated the dating scene, it’s hard not to turn inward.
What did I do? What did I say?
When something ends, no matter how slowly or abruptly, it’s normal to look into the reasons why. But I know that for most of my teenage years, my young and early adult relationships, I was so wrapped up in boys’ and men’s behaviour and what it meant in relation to me.
The endless analysing and overanalysing began with the secret three-way calls when I was in high school. Your friend would call your crush (on their land line, of course) with you on mute on the other line to ask them questions about you, often ending more directly in whether or not they liked you. The girls and I were boots on the ground, getting to the bottom of it!
Then came the screenshots of AIM chats, analysing text speak and away messages. The Myspace song and the Top 8. All before we had Instagram stories to check.
I became obsessed with understanding the meaning of their behaviour. Especially when it was particularly cold, nonchalant, uncaring, unfeeling. Why was he saying one thing and doing another?
I thought that if I just poured more love and care over them, as though dousing them in gasoline, then everything would work out exactly as it should. But no, every time it would burst into flames.
So much of the dating advice you come across is utterly useless. The majority of it is rage-bait or tactics to get you to pay for a dating coach. A lot of it is deeply sexist and rooted in heteropatriarchy dressed up in pseudoscientific, faux-spiritual “masculine and feminine energy.” It tells you that if you just slip into your appropriate “role” then the other person will act right. If you behave a certain way, if you say these particular things, then you will obtain your heart’s desire.
If you’re not making a man feel like a protector and a provider it’s your fault. You’re too masculine, you’re too independent, you’re too needy. You need to be of high value. You need to be soft, you need to be light. You need to be strict, cold, mysterious.
It’s a wonder things don’t feel easy.
I became so focussed on what men were and weren’t doing, I convinced myself that I needed to change in order to find love.
My own personal man’s search for meaning left me with zero answers. Apart from that, ultimately, people are going to do whatever they want to do. And I can either accept that or continue to pore over it to no end.
Last year, Vogue published viral pieces about whether having a boyfriend is embarrassing and what it means if your ex marries the woman he dates right after you.
Reinforcing the belief that what a man does is not only a reflection of our value to him, but it impacts how we and others view us as well. All the while, reports are coming through thick and fast about how there is something rotten in the State of Men, that put women on an upwardly mobile trajectory while men fall further behind.
What else is left for us apart from detaching, being hot and having fun?
I’m hardly qualified to give any advice, let alone any about dating, but my best friend said this to me and she is the wisest woman I know.
She said that it doesn’t matter what the men are doing, all that matters is that I like it.
Do I like what they have to offer? Can I accept it? Is it behaviour I can live with? Is it behaviour that I condone? Because no one is forcing me and at the end of the day, I get to decide whether or not I’m happy with it.
That realisation is extremely freeing.
About me: I’m Nicole, the writer of A Crumb of Romance. I’m the co-author of The Half of It: Exploring the Mixed-Race Experience, a content creator and the co-host of the award-winning Mixed Up podcast. Having been chronically online since the age of 13, you can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Pinterest.