37 lessons I've learned about love
Attraction does not guarantee connection, connection does not guarantee commitment...among many other things
My dad, in the tradition of most Ghanaians, gave me my day name of Esi, meaning “born on Sunday.” I think because I was born on a Sunday, that’s when I do my best reflecting.
I knew I wanted to write about love for my birthday – it’s my favourite time of year, it’s my favourite subject…so I thought I’d come up with a list of what I’ve learned.
What I understand about love and relationships has changed so much over time. Everything I come to believe now I say with the privilege of having been alive for 37 years.
I’ve been in many relationships over the years, short and long. I’ve had long lasting friendships. I’m lucky to have both of my parents and an extended family.
How we learn to love is always in relation to other people, but it’s only up until recently I’m starting to understand how important it is to offer that directly to myself.
Let’s get into the list…
Stay present. It’s easy to get caught up in fear of previous mistakes or future pain. But the happiness in the current moment, the joy of experiencing another person and who both of you are right now is the sweetest.
Love needs both words and action. The imbalance of the two in any relationship creates confusion and resentment.
Love is following through on promises and commitments made. It’s those small broken promises and lack of follow through that can chip away at any foundation.
A relationship needs two people willing to put in the work and necessary communication to go through life together.
Falling in love is scary. Lean in. You may fall off a cliff, but you won’t die.
Being the person who “loves the most” is more powerful than you’d think. Never risking your heart might mean you won’t get hurt, but it also means you’ll never experience the bliss of being seen.
Wanting romantic love is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not something you need to heal about yourself and it’s not something you need to get over. It’s okay to just…want something. It’s okay to want things that other people have. It’s okay to want things that point to connection and understanding.
When you’re lonely, find solace in the friends and family who love you. Go back to places that made you feel safe and heard. Read the words that have always resonated with you. Experience the art that opens you up. Listen to the music that connects you to love.
Love is intentionality.
Being understanding of people’s flaws does not mean looking past bad behaviour or mixed messages. Walking away from someone who cannot meet your needs is a real act of love.
You don’t need to be in a relationship to be able to pursue all the things that you want to do, enjoy all of the things that you want to enjoy, see all of the things you want to see in this one, big life.
A relationship is not going to solve your problems.
Love is an infinite resource and it comes from you.
Love doesn’t equate to an absence of conflict.
Love feels warm, soft and gentle.
Love is also big and expansive; it doesn’t shy away from itself.
Love requires compromise, not sacrifice.
Love is choosing them and choosing the relationship over being right.
Emotional intelligence and vulnerability is the bare minimum for any relationship.
You cannot pour love and kindness over someone in the hope that they will offer you the same. Give love freely and without expectation. Even if it doesn’t come from that same person, it will find you in other ways.
Love doesn’t feed your anxiety and insecurity. It soothes them.
Find the person that delights in you showing up exactly as you are.
Love is curious. You’ll find yourself deeply wanting to understand others and how they are different to you, and you’ll love them anyway.
Relationships don’t just happen, they are intentional and take a lot of hard work and communication.
Having feelings and being able to communicate them is crucial.
Relationships are art, not science.
Self-love and self-acceptance are paramount to not accepting cruelty from other people. The more we speak about ourselves and treat ourselves with kindness, the less we are willing to accept those who don’t.
Don’t let your heartbreak and disappointment define your relationships.
You can’t be in relationships with people who aren’t honest with themselves.
Love is being generous with your time, your emotions and your heart.
Fall in love with your life. Create the life you always wanted without waiting for the right person to come along.
We’re all imperfect people who deserve love and compassion, not “fixing”. You deserve love now.
Relationships require us to show love the way the other person needs, not how we want to give it.
Grief and loss teaches us everything we need to know about love.
If you have your own that you’d like to share, please do leave them in the comments below for myself and others to enjoy!
About me: I'm Nicole, the writer of A Crumb of Romance. I’m the co-author of The Half of It: Exploring the Mixed-Race Experience, a content creator and the co-host of the award-winning Mixed Up podcast. Having been chronically online since the age of 13, you can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Pinterest.
15, 16, 35 and 37 for me 💜💜💜🙌🏼