"Nothing has ever felt this easy"

On love and friendship

I reread this piece that I wrote a few weeks back yesterday as I sat in an airport cafe in Dublin, my best friend had just said our goodbyes. She was flying back to my hometown in Virginia after we spent a week in the city to celebrate my birthday. 

Now that I’m older and we live an ocean apart, celebrating birthdays and milestones is a rare treat. And as I enter into 35, an age and a time in my life that I thought would look very different to how it looks now, I knew she was the person that I wanted to spend it with. And I’m so glad I did. The below is about friendship as much as it is about love.

My best friend, Sherell and at the Cliffs of Moher

As I am now a card-carrying member of the “divorced club”, I get asked two questions very often. 

“Do you believe in marriage?”

And

“Would you get married again?”

Simply, yes and yes.

Marriage is an actual thing that exists with variables and tangibles between people. Having done it once, I do believe in the transactional elements and the protections and comforts it offers in our society as much as I do the romance. 

Do I believe in relationships being forced to rush down the marriage timeline, in the societal pressures and expectations, and topped off with the heavy, heavy weight we place on it and the role in our lives? Not at all.

But, I believe in choosing to love someone every day, until you may decide that that’s no longer possible for you. I’ve accepted that nothing is permanent, and things that are rigid and forced are almost always pushed to breaking point.

Ultimately I would do it again because I have done it before. There is no longer anything to fear. I’ve lived through the disaster of a marriage breakdown and survived. 

I’ve seen the pros and cons. Hell, I’ve lived them. And I’m sure there will be many people who disagree with me and think it’s not worth the hassle, but I still think it is. (Maybe ask me again in another 10 years…)

The breakdown of a commitment, while incredibly painful, is survivable. I lived and it was worth it because of the relationship that I had with my husband. It still brought me so much good and I am who I am now because of who we were together at the time, and all the other relationships that came before that one.

I was speaking with my best friend Sherell about dating and hookups, having admitted to her that as much as I want to think that I am the cool, casual girl -- I fully am not. I’m a lover girl through and through, and admitting it is the first step. 

I can’t separate the intimacy and the vulnerability from sex, and in a “casual” setting where everyone already has their own definitions of what that means, there is a carelessness that permeates through it. 

Everyone is fearful of looking too needy or clingy or desperate, while simultaneously longing for that elusive intimacy. Being able to be close to someone and show them who you are without feeling rejected, but not being able to be honest about that is agonising. It has us in a perpetual race to the bottom when it comes to forming any semblance of a healthy relationship with a partner and oneself.

We were talking about words and actions aligning in relationships, or in anything that could fall under this vast spectrum that we call modern dating. 

But it’s not just words and actions, there is a secret third thing that I feel like also doesn’t get spoken about as explicitly, and it’s intention. 

I was telling her that nothing is as easy as it is when I’m with her. When I’m speaking with her, when I spend time with her - no man has ever compared.

There is no pretence. There’s no pretending. I don’t have to over explain or caveat. 

My romantic relationships pale in comparison to the relationship I have with my best friend. She is my person. She’s my family, she’s my home. 

And like with any relationship, that trust and comfort grew over time. But it felt inevitable.

She puts things far more eloquently than I do - but she said despite our relationship feeling as easy as breathing, it’s our intentions with each other that keep it going. It’s our intention to keep it going, and our intention that makes us the right fit.

Once she said that word out loud, everything became so clear. 

Where I’ve gone wrong in the past is not knowing someone’s intentions or being scared to ask, or even communicate my own. Now, the reasons behind this are something I’m going to have to work on with my therapist, but ultimately it gives me hope.

I can see my future self where I am unapologetically moving through my relationships (or toward any relationship) with intentionality. And having experienced a love in my friendship that I’ve never had anywhere else, I know it exists. Having experienced a love in my former marriage that I’ve never had anywhere else, I know it exists. 

And it keeps me going.

About me: I'm Nicole, the writer of The Noteworthy. I’m also a content creator and the co-host of the award-winning Mixed Up podcast. Having been chronically online since the age of 13, you can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Pinterest. I’m working on my first book, The Half Of It, which you can pre-order here.