Teddy
I didn’t mean to step away from this space for as long as I did. Often when I come to write here about love and romance, I wonder what more there possibly is to say. But it turns out there is always something.
When I started this newsletter I wanted to bring a little romance back into my life. I also wanted to remind myself of the many ways in which love takes shape in our lives, not just with romantic partners. This past week has been a reminder of that.
A reminder of what this short and sweet life is all for. A reminder to run towards love. A reminder that sometimes, that love shows up at the locker beneath yours.
I lost someone I loved recently.
Teddy and I became best friends in high school.
I loved them instantly. Instantly.
My memories of them are expansive, but mostly littered across the halls of my old high school.
Composition notebook pages torn out and passed in between classes and slipped into lockers, now kept in old shoeboxes. Silly nicknames. The first person to ever give me a mix tape, then a mix CD. The person who introduced me to Minor Threat.
A short choppy bob that grew to endless, long black hair. The cutoff of an old black t-shirt turned choker. Converse. Black messenger bag dotted with pins. Braces that turned to straight-ish teeth. Kohl eyeliner. Chipped nail polish. A mighty laugh and big claps.
We would talk on the phone every night. Often during The O.C. and Degrassi. Sleepovers. Watching movies. Reading poetry. Spending our free time in drama. Reorganising the prop closet. Dreaming of New York. Spending our parents money at CD Cellar and Barnes and Noble. I would hide their clove cigarettes in my bedroom.
One extremely hot summer in Europe before we would be apart, enjoying the whisper of adulthood. Drinking along the Seine, falling asleep on our bus. Drinking wine. Sharing a bed. Finally making it to Shakespeare & Company.
As we got older, Irish bars that didn’t card. Writing each other letters, postcards. Sharing secrets. Sending care packages. Late nights on AIM.
Teddy shaped me.
We learn who we are in relation to one another, and they taught me so much about life, and art, and beauty. So much of what I love in this world today is because of them. It’s funny to think about how even at such a young age, I knew they were such a force.
With every note they passed me, with every LiveJournal entry…every time I sat next to them in creative writing, I knew their words would resonate with me for the rest of my life.
Teddy was always been the smartest and funniest person in the room. Deep feeling. Captivating. A vision.
I pour over them now to hear their voice again. And listen to their favourite songs.
My dear friend. I loved them before I knew how to love anyone else. And how lucky I was to do it.
Together we’ll wreak havoc, you and me.
About me: I’m Nicole, the writer of A Crumb of Romance. I’m the co-author of The Half of It: Exploring the Mixed-Race Experience, a content creator and the co-host of the award-winning Mixed Up podcast. Having been chronically online since the age of 13, you can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Pinterest.
I’m so sorry, Nicole. Sending you so much love. 💕
Sending love ❤️🩹