✨ I'm in my flop era ✨

My best friend texted me to check in and remind me that she was here for me if I needed anything during what I’m going to start calling my Bad Month™. Three years ago, my cousin passed away on the date you’re reading this, in a car accident. Two months before that, her mother (my aunt) died. My divorce was finalised last year in the courts. I’m not really a superstitious person, but have always felt like bad things came in threes for me.

Despite my personal life hanging on by a thread three years ago, I was finally stepping into the career I had always wanted. The pandemic meant that my contract with my last full-time job wasn’t going to be renewed (I was working at Stylist magazine at the time) so I had no choice but to throw myself completely into creating content for social media. It’s still surreal to reflect on.

We were in the throes of the pandemic but it was the busiest I had ever been, working during lockdown and then even more when we had eased out of that. I felt incredibly lucky to be able to make something of myself in a time when things looked precarious.

I was separated so I moved into a new place with a flatmate, and had even started a new relationship (that has since ended). Even with all of the endings, there were all of these new, exciting beginnings that made me feel as though life was hurtling me forward. I remember saying to my therapist during that time how desperate I was to slow down. How much I wanted to be left alone. When I came back to London, I went straight back into shooting campaigns and writing and meetings and events. 

My therapist often asked me during our sessions what I would do if I didn’t have to do any of the things I felt like I had to do, and I told her I just wanted to lie down on my bedroom floor in the dark for the foreseeable. Therapy has absolutely helped, but I still don’t know if I’ve grieved properly because I was so distracted by my work. Even wondering if I have “grieved properly.” What does that even look like?

I felt guilty because I had (and I suppose still have) this incredible opportunity to mould my life in the way that I want. I have the freedom and flexibility to work from anywhere, to take on or turn down as many jobs as I need to, but I just wanted to slowly fade away into the background. 

Maybe I simply manifested this? Maybe I spoke my stagnancy into existence? 

It’s been a particularly slow period for me work-wise. The opportunities I felt like I had this time last year have dried up. My inbox is quiet. I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to admit this, but despite the fear I think it’s important to be honest. Influencer life looks incredibly fabulous on the outside. It’s so easy to curate a persona online that is carefree and exciting. 

Travel! Free clothes! Parties! Cocktails! 

Debt! Performing authenticity! Craving connection!

It’s much harder to convey on Instagram that everyday I wake up worrying about money and dying alone. 

I’ve reconciled with the “influencer” label, I no longer have a problem with it like I used to - it’s now just a universally recognisable term for what I do. I’m grateful because it allows me to afford to do the things I love, like the podcast and writing, but that doesn’t often pay unless you are someone with astronomical wealth and fame. 

Now that I’ve actually given myself a little space to reflect, I’ve found that I’ve allowed myself to get a bit off track, I’ve become distracted by wanting to be seen and chosen by brands instead of putting myself and what I want first. Ultimately I should be building and I’ve let myself just…wallow. 

One of the last newsletters I wrote was, “Love is an action, and I have stopped moving” and I’m sure not entirely by coincidence, I inadvertently took a break from writing after publishing it. I’m starting to recognise the ways in which grief slowly seeps out and permeates into these different areas of my life, how I have started to keep myself hidden away in order to not make myself too vulnerable.

Today is a big grief day, but I’ve committed myself to a small action, which is sharing this with you. Despite the unplanned hiatus, thank you for being here today and always.

About me: I'm Nicole, the writer of The Noteworthy. I’m also a content creator and the co-host of the award-winning Mixed Up podcast. Having been chronically online since the age of 13, you can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Pinterest. I’m working on my first book, The Half Of It, which you can pre-order here.