Charlie Pauly: "I can still be emotional and vulnerable. It doesn’t make me any weaker as a man."
My friend talks to me about dating with intention, vulnerability as a strength, and the aftermath of a public breakup
Charlie and I met by pure chance of being in a group of influencers and press invited on a trip with Disney Parks to go on the inaugural sailing of the Disney Wish, three years ago.
It was an absolute dream trip, all-inclusive cruise to the Bahamas, a few days in Walt Disney World in Orlando and on top of that the endless Disney magic. I like to think we became fast friends, and I so rarely get the opportunity to meet men in my line of work. Working primarily in fashion means that my events and press trips are mostly around women, so I don’t get to make friends with men very often.
The thing that I liked most about Charlie was his willingness to be open, never trying to impress or be anyone but himself.
At the time, Charlie was in a long-term relationship and had a couples YouTube channel that had amassed a sizeable following. By the time we returned from that trip, he and his former partner broke up, had to move out of the houseboat they were sharing together and he began a major life transition – moving to London and sharing the news of his breakup online.
At the time of this interview, we met for coffee (well, more for me, Charlie had orange juice) at Grind in London Bridge. Charlie is incredibly amiable and warm, so talking about love was a conversation I was excited to have with him, despite us never speaking about this before. I knew I could count on him to open up and offer a little bit of male perspective that I don’t tend to hear from as much.
Name Charlie Pauly
Age 34
Relationship status Single
Monogamous/ENM/Poly? Monogamous
What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone?
I feel like I’m very minimal and simplistic. It’s more about the small, thoughtful things, you know… I can wash the car to help you out, or I can make dinner so it’s ready when you get home if you have a long day. I’m definitely more of an acts of service guy over gift giving, that’s my way of showing romance.
Would you prefer to receive love in that same way?
I always say physical touch is my top one, and it’s not in a sexual way, just the way I was raised. Even when I’m with my boys, I’m like, hand on shoulder (Charlie places his hand on my shoulder) and I’m in for a hug. Whoever I meet, I'm always coming for a hug, you know.
Physical touch is is a big way that I was taught “we're here for you” from my parents and I think that's how a lot of the time I give [love]. And in relationships, quality time is a big thing as well. No checking your phone, no doing this… (Charlie mimics scrolling on his phone). When we’re spending time together, even as friends, I just don’t want there to be any distractions.
What does love feel like for you? Has that changed over the years now that you’re approaching your mid-30s?
I think it’s always felt like someone who has got my back and who’s there for me. I think love for me is really about integrity. And knowing that when shit hits the fan, I can rely on you – whether that’s friends, family, or partners. Even my boys (Ed. note: Charlie’s friends), I love my boys because I know they’ll always have time for me. I can call them at three in the morning and they’ll look after me.
It’s really lovely to hear about your close male friendships because the “male loneliness epidemic” is a topic that is coming up again and again. More and more men are feeling isolated when it comes to friendships as well as romantic relationships. How do you cultivate that closeness with your male friends?
I'm very fortunate that I've grown up with my group of boys, so there's like 10 of us, and we've been best mates since we were 16. I think a lot of other groups of friends that I know aren't as close or aren't as open with each other, and I think that all comes through vulnerability.
The boys have seen me go through tough times, I've seen them for tough times and we've opened up and we've been there for each other, cried about it, whatever it may be. Along the way I’ve opened up to people and been my most vulnerable self and some people run away from that, and some people are into that and stick by you. Vulnerability is a huge topic right now and is hopefully being leaned into a lot more with men. But it’s a touchy subject still.
I live in London now with my best mates. Growing up in the last decade, let alone the past 20 years there is still an expectation of strength and that looking a certain way, even though our ideas of manhood have changed. That idea of strength still holds us back.
Do you feel like falling in love is an active choice? Is it instantaneous or something that you ease into?
I’ve dated a lot in the last few years and I do think I have to have that initial spark, or butterflies. I don’t know if it has to do with falling in love, but in terms of a relationship or a romantic partner, I need that initial attraction. I know that I want to see them again quickly, I want to spend more time with them. And it’s interesting because I speak to people now who say that can build over time and I’m sure it works differently for different people. But for me, I know that I need that initial, “Oh my god, wow, I think you’re amazing.”
My housemate Matt will go on a date and he’ll come back and we’ll do a debrief, and I’ll be like, “But is she your wife?” and he’ll be like “No…” so we know! (We laugh).
Okay, I love that this is a conversation that you and Matt have because I think the stereotype for men is that they don't know what they’re looking for. Or that they don’t ever think about it, but it’s clear that you and your friends do, like you’re very considerate…
I’m a thoughtful guy for sure, which maybe isn’t a common thing with men, but yes I do hear that a lot. I do need meaningful connections. I’ve had like, three serious relationships in my life and I met my first girlfriend when I was 16 and I was like, “Oh my god, I’m in love, this is amazing, we’re getting married.” And that was my first love, and then after our breakup I think that just made me realise, okay maybe that wasn’t quite love.
When I was 21, I moved to New Zealand with my girlfriend and that was my first real love. We were together for two years and it was very fast paced, we moved to the other side of the world together… and that was quite a toxic love or a toxic relationship. I definitely loved her, but maybe not in the best ways. It was a whirlwind of emotions. At the time, I felt like I would do absolutely anything for us, but in an unhealthy way, putting yourself in awkward situations, but when you’re young you think you can make it work. I was trying to prove to myself that we could work, rather than, in hindsight, knowing I was caught up in a whirlwind.
You and I met at a time when you were in a relationship, in a long-term relationship. And it was a very public relationship as well. What was that like for you when it ended, and you felt that you kind of had to put it out there to people and announce that it was over?
That was one of the toughest times in my life, absolutely, because the breakup was very public. We were a couple on social media. We had 350,000 followers on our YouTube channel and it was couple goals. And then it ended, and it was no hard feelings. We ended up…and we amicable broke up but having to put that out to the world was a lot. Having to deal with that personally and try to put it out there professionally… going through that kind of breakup destroyed me as a person.
I was heartbroken, I was in a very dark place. Trying to navigate how to turn up for work, which… my work with her, so it was very, very difficult. When you’re on social media, you’re just seeing snippets, but also you just have to go through your own heartbreak and juggle everything in life just like an average person going through it without an online presence.
As soon as we broke up, people started throwing assumptions and starting rumours and we were just like minuscule account in comparison [to other couples accounts], we were on just a little corner of the Internet. I can't imagine having to deal with that when you’re famous or a celebrity.
People would say that “this person cheated” or “that person’s gay” or whatever it may be. And it’s like, whoa, we just broke up. Nothing happened. We just ended up on a different path.
Yes, that was a lot. I remember watching a lot of that unfold and I really felt for you because it’s hard enough without hearing anyone’s opinion, let alone hundreds of people in your DMs or your comments. And I’m sure that changed your perspective on how much you want to share and how open you want to be.
Even for me, when I’m dating, I know I have access to cool and exciting things and I get nervous about people’s expectations of that, or wanting those things more than they want me.
Do you feel like you know what you’re looking for now in your next relationship, like you’re a bit more clear on it?
I’ve always been so open-minded. I never rule anything out, you know? I’ve dated internationally, I’ve dated locally. I never want to put anything in a specific box, but I have realised that I really need someone that’s up for my lifestyle. And you know what I mean, you’re travelling the world, you’re getting paid, it’s great. You’re on the beach one day, it’s sunny, it’s amazing, but people don't see the hustle in the sacrifice that goes on behind closed doors. So a lot of people come into my world, they see what I'm about and are drawn in by that, but they don't understand, like some days I'm just locked to my house on my laptop. I’m locked in on the computer and I’m stressed.
This last week alone, like this is perfect example, I just lost a TV show that I was booked to be on. And that was a lot of money, a lot of opportunity that I lost out on because they called me up and I told them I don’t drink alcohol and I wouldn’t pretend to for the show, and they dropped me. It’s a very stressful line of work. It’s very up and down. So I need someone who is extremely understanding of the opportunity but also who can see how quickly it can go, and to be able to be supportive.
I also need someone who is extremely open-minded and very secure within themselves. One thing I've noticed a lot since dating over the past few years is that I need who's gonna be cool with me last minute flying out to Antigua with a bunch of girls, and know that they’re my friends or my colleagues. A lot of people are going to get jealous or a bit funny about it, and I can reassure you and try and support you, but you have to understand this is part of my job.
I think most creators or creatives understand it, kind of like how…not to compare our lives to celebrities, but how actors and models date other people in the industry. Even chefs, like they work such crazy hours so you have to be with someone who matches you in your industry and understands your lifestyle a bit more.
What did your last relationship teach you about you, or about relationships in general?
Communication is key. That's the number one thing that I took away from the end of that because we had a great relationship, and I have nothing bad to say about her. But it definitely taught me not to sit on things. Don't try to brush things under the rug and just carry on like normal because it'll all come out. Even if it’s nothing major, just little breakdowns in communication or where things could’ve been said earlier, you can address them and fix them rather than smile and crack on with your day, carry on with work and life and hope things will change without having to vocalise what you need.
For the past couple of years you’ve been in your dating era (we both laugh). What has been your best date memory?
(Ed note. For anyone who doesn’t follow Charlie, you won’t know that, and he won’t mind me saying this, that he had a very public first date to Hawaii that his followers had very strong opinions about…)
One of the best was also one of the worst. I flew out to Hawaii with a girl for a crazy first date. Had the best time, Hawaii was also on my personal bucket list. I met a girl who also really wanted to go there, so we kind of flew out there together. It was kind of a first date in Hawaii, and obviously the emotions and the rollercoaster and everything was amazing. I was like, “oh my god, I’m in Hawaii with this girl that I’m attracted to!” which is maybe not great for a first date because then after a few days with them you realise, “oh wait, maybe we’re not that compatible! And now we’re stuck in Hawaii.”
Looking back my mental health probably wasn’t the most stable then, but it was a good memory, it was a fun time.
You’ve got a really close relationship with your mom and dad, like me. How has your relationship with your parents impacted how you show up in relationships?
Oh, it's absolutely everything. I'm so, so blessed, and I say this every time I meet someone. Everything I am relates back to my parents. The way I've been raised, the love that I've been shown. I’m so fortunate because even in my work, they're so behind me. They're my number one fans. When all my friends went to uni, they said, no, you can pursue boxing. Then when I didn’t want to pursue boxing anymore, they said, go travelling. They’ve always encouraged me and pushed me in the right direction. Just that kind of support has made me such a supportive friend and partner. Everything I've learned from them it gets poured over people, I'm so grateful for them to and grateful to come from such a solid, secure upbringing.
Do you feel your parents have also always been really open with you as well, in terms of their emotions and how they’re feeling?
My dad not so much. He obviously grew up in the era where had to be strong. For context, he used to run a boxing gym. And he was like, the most masculine men possible, you know, like fighting every day. And my mom was also in that industry, she was a fighter. Mom and dad were strong and resilient people, but I guess behind closed doors I saw the reality, and they were always open with me about everything, you know, love, money…they couldn’t have been more open with me as parents. So I guess that trickled down to me. I think all of that comes from them.
That’s amazing. I’m not trying to therapise you or anything, but I just find it so interesting because you’ve said your dad is a bit more of a traditional masculine man, which sometimes means being a bit more closed off but you’re such an open book, you’re an open person with everybody.
As a teenager, I was in the boxing industry too, and I was like him for sure. I was tough and strong and didn’t really know how to deal with my emotions. I think it’s just been a generational change and learning from experiencing the world. I’ve realised that I can still be this physically, mentally strong man but I can still be emotional and vulnerable as well. It doesn’t make me any weaker as a man.
I think the generations are evolving slightly and the stereotypes are changing. We’re definitely part of the generation where it's okay to open up a bit more. I know what's still way behind, but I think men are learning to open up maybe through positive routes.
Do you believe in soulmates or the idea of The One?
Okay, we're gonna cry. (We both laugh)
Okay don’t, because then I will actually cry.
I mean, you met [my ex] and we were a great team. We were together for six years and for me, I really believed that she was my soulmate, my person, whatever you want to call it. That was me for life, I was gonna marry her, we were going to settle down, all that kind of stuff. And for whatever reason we didn’t end up on that path together. Upon reflection, I do struggle with that thought sometimes because naturally when you meet someone new…I never compare, but I'm looking for that same feeling.
I'm looking for that same assured connection. And I think because we had such a strong relationship and I had such a strong feeling, it’s like, “damn, will I ever get that again?” We’ll find out.
This ties into my other question which is, do you believe in the right person, wrong time? Because they say that men, when they are ready to get married, for example, they will marry the first person that’s just there in front of them.
Timing is key. Timing is definitely key. I've met I've met some incredible people over the past few years. Even my most recent dating in saga was in Mexico. I was dating a girl in Mexico and I stayed with her for a few weeks and to be honest, I had a really strong connection with her and I started thinking, okay, this has got legs. It’sdefinitely got legs. But then after a month of spending time with her, I was like, so what are we going to do? I'm going back to London. She lived in London previously for four years, so she was open to coming back to London, but she was in the process of setting up a business in Guadalajara.
She’s not moving to London any time soon, I’m not moving to Guadalajara, so this has to be parked. And if it’s meant to be, it will come back around. When I got home and spoke to Matt, he was like, “is this your wife?” And I said it could have been. And he said, “if she lived in London?” And I said a hundred percent, I would’ve just locked it down and I'd have gone all in on it.
So now we’re dating in 2025. So much has changed, we have dating apps, social media, even more new technology.
It’s been a whirlwind for me. One, I’m in London, two, dating apps, three, I’m on social media. It’s like the perfect storm of chaos. I’ve been single for three years, I've dated a lot in those three years, and I've had some serious three month things where we're like, okay, this could go somewhere.
But then you've got people disregarding people like Pokémon. They’re like, “you wore the wrong trainers, you’re out.” Or “you can’t buy me dinner, you’re out.” I’m not meant to be here. This is like some dog-eat-dog environment. I just want simplicity - a girl that will just live with me on a little piece of land, save some money and travel.
I've come to London for my career and my eyes have been open to so much more. Dating, I can talk about it forever because of my social media. I don’t want to sound arrogant at all, but as soon as people find out what you do it's exciting. Whether that’s for clout, to tell their friends or whether they think that they can come on a trip with you, which I mean sometimes they can, but I'm not going to take random people on my trip. But I think what I'm trying to say is a lot of people will try and leech off of you, regardless of who you are or your social media.
Dating apps are so sad and demoralising, I get that they’re there for a reason and started off with a specific purpose, but right now people are just using it as a game. So many people are getting disregarded. You match, you don’t message. Or as soon as you do and you go on a date, you’re probably just wondering if there’s someone better out there for you.
Are you still dating now, how do you stay sane throughout all of this?
I think I did a pretty standard route, I came out of a breakup, I was dating. I was dating a lot. And probably in hindsight, to fill a gap. I was trying to distract myself. Then I came out of that, done a lot of healing, spent a lot of time alone and I feel like I'm in a really good place now, where I’m open to dating but I don’t need it. I’m not searching for it.
And it’s a catch-22, right? Because I'm locked in on my work, I love my life, I live with my best friend, I travel. I love my life. So if you're coming into it, you need to be really supporting and bringing something to the table. Otherwise I'm actually all right on my own. But then you've still got to put yourself out there, otherwise how are you going to potentially meet someone?
At the moment I’m not really using them. I’m on Raya, but I try to meet people organically, fortunately, because of the industry we're in we go to a lot of events, there are a lot of social things going on. So I'm always meeting fresh faces and you never know who you'll meet.
I'm just taking it slow at a minute. I think I've learned a lot over the past three years. I’ve learned I don’t need to rush things, I don't force things… know when you're dating with intention compared to dating for distraction. And I think a lot of people are probably dating for distraction, to take their mind off things and have a bit of fun or whatever it may be, which no judgment, we've all done that. But nowadays I'm dating with intention.
What is your biggest piece of relationship advice?
Never try to change someone. It should be so simple, but all of a sudden you're trying to date the person that you want to be rather than the person that they are and the person that they are is probably the person you were first attracted to and that you hopefully fall in love with.
And keep your individuality. Especially for me coming from the whole travel couple thing online, I became so co-dependent that I kind of felt like I lost myself and forgot who Charlie Pauly was as an individual. So now moving forward, I’m going into a relationship one day where I'm me, you're you, and we come together and it's great, but we both keep hold of our individuality.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
About me: I'm Nicole, the writer of A Crumb of Romance. I’m the co-author of The Half of It: Exploring the Mixed-Race Experience, a content creator and the co-host of the award-winning Mixed Up podcast. Having been chronically online since the age of 13, you can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter and Pinterest.